History of Phone Avoidance

In my active alcoholism, I feared the phone.  Why?  Several reasons actually, but primary is simple avoidance.  I avoided debt collectors, family, friends, business calls... basic avoided the "real world" altogether.  I would often wake around 3am, take a shot of vodka and think "I am alright, I still have 5 hours before "the real world" starts.  Another reason... shame and guilt.  I did not want to face the shame I carried for drinking and letting my family down.

Saturday, I left my phone outside overnight.  Sunday morning I found my phone and miraculously... it worked.  I had multiple messages from my mother, sister and father.  I imagine the unanswered phone took them back to the alcoholic tornado of past.  Today, I give them the right to be worried, concerned and gratefully answer questions to relieve their fears.  They deserve this from me.

How do you respond when others jump to conclusions due to past alcoholic/addict behavior?

I am the Someone Worse

This morning, I went to my favorite Saturday morning AA meeting.  I love this meeting because a group of men from a local half-way house attend and it reminds me what it was like in early recovery.  I stop every Saturday morning and buy donuts for this meeting, with the favorite donuts crème or fruit filled and maple bacon.

I remember at my first AA meetings, I would listen to people stories and think "there has to be someone here that is sicker than I am".  I am sure I was pretty judgmental and would lie very convincingly to myself about being "not so sick".

I am 21 months sober and have many friends in recovery, attended many AA meetings and now have a clear understanding that I am that someone worse. I drank an insane amount of liquor (mostly vodka) and my goal was to remain numb to any emotion 24/7.   I drove my car into the same ditch two nights in a row and same wrecker pulled my car out both nights.  My thinking told me I was worthless, in a hole I could never pull out of and a failure at life.

This is why I continue to go to meetings.  I have a responsibility to show others that there is a way out- no matter how far down the scale they have gone.  What do I get in return?  A reminder that I am always just one drink away from being that someone worse.

Happy Weekend!

One Alcoholic's Issue with the Rick and Bubba Morning Show

There are readers living outside of the widely popular Rick and Bubba syndicated broadcast area, therefore, I will give you a very short introduction.  The Rick and Bubba show features Rick Burgess and Bill "Bubba" Bussey and is a conservative talk show.  The show is often comedic with recurring themes and characters.  One syndicated station, K105 describes the show as "a blend of humor, politics, religion, entertainment and current events"  I will also add that both Rick and Bubba have overcome many of life's challenges and it is a blessing to listen to  how they walked with faith through difficult times.

There are moments that I enjoy listening to the show.  However, there are times when these two radio personalities are like 100 nails running down a chalkboard with massive speakers.  In recovery for my alcoholism, the show's source of irritation has become much clearer.  At some point in their lives, someone helped turn on a "spiritual" light for them; a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves.  I know Rick has often talked about his parents faith and their influence on his spiritual life. 

Alcoholics and addicts suffer from a spiritual malady.  I lacked a spiritual connection to a higher power.  I lived my life playing the part of my own higher power and as a result, I experienced fear, low self-esteem, selfishness, shame, isolation, self-loathing and feelings of hopelessness.  I had never been shown how to turn my spiritual light on or most likely, I refused to let go of being my own higher power. Rick and Bubba's blend of religion and entertainment does not speak to the alcoholic/addict that is struggling for spiritual growth.  I don't think Rick and Bubba can relate to an individual that has no sense of something greater than themselves.  It is my perception that Rick and Bubba sit in a position of religious judgment.

Here is a very abbreviated story of my spirituality.  I can imagine Rick and Bubba reading my story and pointing out all the religious gaps and missteps.   But, this is a common journey of individuals suffering from spiritual maladies.

Growing up, my parents divorced and we sporadically attended church.  The church we attended was outside of my school district and I was frequently teased.  As an adult, I joined the Methodist church and became active in the church community.  Unfortunately, I frequently felt I did not belong and "just did not get it" like other church-goers.  Over the years, I experienced loss, trauma and all that life brings.  Alcohol became my higher power and I fell into a dark pit.  I hit my rock bottom and entered a detox program.  I was so lost- all I knew to do is make it through the next 5 minutes.   The strict schedule of detox and rehab became my higher power.  Eventually, I admitted that I, within myself, could not pull me out of active alcoholism.  With guidance from my rehab counselors, I began to meditate and converse with this power greater than myself.  I stripped away all religious biases and sought a direct 1:1 relationship.  I had to make a conscious effort every day to build a connection. Twenty-months later, I do consider God to be my higher power, but this evolved over time.  I acknowledge that spiritual light will be turned on for someone else, and their higher power may be different than my own.

Rick and Bubba would respond to this post by saying "There is only one higher power.... and that is God".  I look at it differently and believe there are those so broken and lost that the first step is simply recognizing a power outside of themselves is needed for recovery.   My Rick and Bubba frustration is due to their inability to meet the spiritually ill at where they are and acknowledge the imperfection of spiritual progress.  My daily sobriety is dependent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.  I am also responsible for meeting the alcoholic/addict where they are and share my experience of hope to help turn the light on.

One last side note.... I do have a feeling the Real Greg Burgess could easily connect with someone suffering from a spiritual malady.

What is your spiritual experience?

Remembering My Days as a Fuzzy Barbie Doll

Lately, I have been thinking about the days I spent as a fuzzy Barbie doll.  I wish this translated to the time my figure was svelte, my clothes stylish and my hair a teased  blonde perfection...... but it doesn't.  The term "fuzzy Barbie doll" is what the patients in treatment called alcoholics being detoxed with phenobarbital.  In the facility I was treated, phenobarbital was used during the first week to prevent seizures during withdrawal.  Unfortunately, the side effects included sedation and hypnosis- leading to fuzzy thinking and slowed responses.


Patients were required to participate in lecture and group therapy while taking and weaning off of phenobarbital.  I am ashamed to say.... this could be entertaining.  A fuzzy Barbie doll would slowly fall asleep, jerk awake and answered questions incoherently at times.  However, there was a healthy appreciation for the high risk and complications of seizures during alcohol withdrawal.


I admit there are times I wish I was back on the regimen of phenobarbital.  It is in moments when old ways of thinking creep back in and I want some form of escape from life.  When this "want" appears, I acknowledge the feeling and then remember what lead up to becoming a fuzzy Barbie doll.  It is definitely better living in the moment!

Crossing all Cultures

This evening, I discovered Those Who Know has an audience from Thailand, Czechia, Colombia, South Korea, the Netherlands and Russia.  I have never travelled to these countries, but appreciate the different lived experiences of the readers of this blog.

One narrative all addicts share is the experience of suffering.  My alcoholism caused me to suffer spiritually, emotionally and physically.  What is your experience with suffering related to this disease?  Some reading this blog my be loved ones and friends of an addict.  How have you suffered?

I am a Registered Nurse and an Alcoholic

My sobriety date is May 10, 2016.  I can say with all honesty- I have not had a drop of alcohol since this date.  However, I will always consider myself an alcoholic.  I know if I have one drink, my disease will take over and I will take more.

So, how is the public protected as I practice as a nurse during this early recovery period?  I am under a monitoring contract through my state's board of nursing.  I actually self- reported that I was seeking treatment and applied to the board's alternative to discipline program.  Because I qualified for the alternative to discipline program, I do not have disciplinary action against my nursing license.  However, I do have to meet specific guidelines (for a period of 5 years).  Including:

• Completed a comprehensive evaluation and the recommendations for rehabilitation.
• Attend weekly aftercare program (approximately 1 hour weekly)
• Attend a minimum of (3) support meetings- must be based on 12 Step recovery (i.e. AA, NA, CA ect)
• Limit hours working as RN to 84 in a 2 week period
• Individual counseling
• Random drug testing including daily check-in
• Submission of verification of all prescriptions to the board
• Quarterly reports from employer, counselor and continuing care facilitator
• Monthly self report
• Practice stipulations

Is it worth it?  Absolutely!  The requirements above are simply what I need to do to stay sober.  Is it overwhelming at times?  Sure, but my chances of long-term sobriety are greatly enhanced through the program.

But... I Want it NOW!

I haven't posted a new entry in a while.  See, I became frustrated because I did not see any evidence my blog was being read.  I was easily steered off my goal of sharing something that gave another person strength and hope.  It was so easy to quit and start looking for the next "project" that would bring me instant gratification.  Somewhere, filed deep in my mind, is the knowledge that addiction is about instant gratification.  For me, I wanted to drink enough to immediately forget and avoid responsibilities in life.

I continually learn in recovery and this time... I am learning another lesson in delayed gratification.  I am going to take a deep breath and wait for the good things to unfold.

What gifts have you received from delayed gratification?

An Open Letter to My Family

Dearest family,

I am writing this letter to let you know how beloved you are to me.  I am overwhelmed this Christmas with a deep love and peace towards my family.  Recently, I find myself tearing up with gratitude for each of you.  I am blessed beyond measure.

Singer-songwriter Sarah McLachlan recorded the song "Fallen".  The chorus is a good description of where I was 18 months ago:

 

Though I've tried,

 

 

I've fallen.

 

 

I have sunk so low,

 

 

I've messed up,

 

 

Better I should know.....

 

 

I can only imagine how difficult it was for my family during this time, especially since I had to do all the hard work myself.  I slipped into a place of not loving myself but my family loved me through it.

 

The band Aerosmith's song "Amazing" describes where I am today:

 

 

It's amazing

 

 

With a blink of an eye, you finally see the light.

 

 

It's amazing

 

 

When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright.

 

 

My program promises a new freedom and a new happiness if I stay spiritually fit each day.  Part of this new freedom and happiness is a deeper love and appreciation for my family.  Thank you for the support and love over the past few  years.

 

 

Love, Jennifer

 



The Tale of Two Shrubs

This weekend, my husband trimmed two large shrubs that grow on the side of our house.  I was his assistant and pulled cala lillies from around the shrubs.  Unfortunately, I did not expect to find the abandoned liquor bottles that were hidden in the plants.  During my active alcoholism, I considered myself a sneaky genius for hiding places. 

My husband made certain I saw (and counted) each container.  I knew it was important that I acknowledge the insanity of my active addiction.  The containers told the story of how my drinking progressed.

• Ten empty miniatures- I would often drink a miniature when I arrived home before I entered the house.
• Two empty liter vodka bottles- I would often hide a bottle outside and would sneak out for shots.
• Six empty wine bottles (small one serving) bottles- My attempt to transition from liquor to a "lesser evil" source of alcohol.
• Three wine coolers- Desperate attempt to suppress withdrawal symptoms and never successful.

It felt good to purge another forgotten hiding spot.  It feels good today to not need a genius hiding place.

Promises of Thanksgiving Past

     This Thanksgiving, I reflected on how differently my past Thanksgiving celebrations played out.  My past Thanksgivings were filled with empty promises and disappointed family members.  Unfortunately, I repeated unreliable and unpredictable behavior over several years. 

     When I actually made it to family gatherings, I was usually hung over or withdrawing from alcohol.  I was also anxious, restless and preoccupied with thoughts of my next drink (i.e. is there alcohol available and if not, when can I leave).  At times, I was actually sick with nausea, headache or one of many frequent physical complaints.  The food I promised to prepare and bring never materialized and I would arrive empty handed.  Finally, I hurt my family by not being "present" for fellowship. 

     There have been many holidays I never made it to the gathering.  I had to conjure up excuses for my absence because I was too sick or drunk to attend.  Looking back, my excuses were far-fetched and lame such as:

• "I have a severe rash and don't need to be near my aunt, cousin, pregnant sister... any convenient relative".
• "I have to work at the last minute".
• "I ran over a limb on my way and had to go home".
• "My tire is flat and unable to fix today due to holiday".
• "I'm sick and ran fever last night".

I did not wake up on Thanksgiving and say "I think I will hurt my loved ones today".  Unfortunately, I was unreliable, selfish, self absorbed and it did cause much pain.

     Thanksgiving this year brought a happiness and joy I can only find in sobriety.  I made a homemade dessert and arrived on time.  I was present in conversations and when I just needed to listen.  I belly laughed and enjoyed every bite of food.  It was wonderful to be truthful and dependable. 

    

But Am I Manipulative?

I had never considered myself a manipulative person.  In fact, I never recall being told I was manipulative by anyone in my close or outer circle.  Now, my sober self understands the harsh and brutal truth of my manipulative ways.  Just a simple look at my attempts to hide my alcohol use paints a very clear picture of my attempts to control situations and people.

The attentive hostess-
I was always a spot-on host for house guests and promptly offered to prepare or refill a refreshing alcoholic beverage.  As I prepared drinks, I would sneak a shot or two (or three).

The creative one-
How can you hide a bottle, carton or can?  Let me share a few my manipulative ways:

• In a rarely used cabinet or drawer
• In a pocket of a garment hanging in the closet
• Under mattress or bed
• Outside in shrubs
• In glove box, trunk or under seat of car
• In my bra (D cup here)
• In my pillow case
• And many others

The errand runner-
As my drinking progressed, I often needed an excuse to buy additional alcohol.  During the day, it was easy to explain to my spouse how I needed item from store.  At 1:00 am, I would suddenly develop a headache and we would mysteriously be out of all analgesics. 

The woe-is-me strategy-
I had a list of "reasons" that I would need an adult beverage.  I could be stressed out at work or revisit a past hurt, disappointment or failure.

Yes, I can be a very manipulative person.  Even though I am sober and no longer in pursuit of the perfect hiding spot, I work hard to curb my attempts to manipulate.  The good news.... I now have insight into my behavior and have the choice to grow my integrity.

How it Looks

Though I've tried, I've fallen

I have sunk so low

I messed up 

Better I should know...

- Fallen Lyrics, Sarah McLachlan

If I were reading a blog written by an alcoholic, I would probably be most interested in how rock bottom looked.  Of course, there are the stereotypical rock bottoms.... divorced, homeless, jailed, unemployed...that immediately come to mind.  In reality, everyone's rock bottom looks different and are dependent on what consequences have been experienced.  For me, it was the point that I was no longer a functioning member of society.  I was absent in my own life and unavailable to those who needed and loved me most.

I will now describe the insanity of my addiction at the time I entered detox.  I am going to follow a Q&A format to keep on track.  Keep in mind, this is just the tip of a very deep iceberg.

Q:  How often did you drink each day?
A:  At the time I entered detox, I would experience significant withdrawal 
symptoms within hours of my last drink.  Therefore, I drank every morning, day and night.

Q:  What did you drink?
A:  My preference was straight vodka.  However, I would drink any alcoholic beverage.  At my bottom, I was "going easy" by drinking only wine.  "Going easy" for an alcoholic in only a myth and the amount of wine a drank within a 24 hour period is insane.

Q:  How did you hide your alcohol?
A:  At first, I hid bottles in my car, between mattresses, drawers, closets...basically anywhere.  As my disease progressed, I didn't attempt to hide my alcohol.  Empty wines boxes were visible on, in, under and beside my bed. The empty containers caused constant shame, but I just didn't care.

Q:  What happened when you did not drink?
A:  I would start withdrawing within 2 hours of  my last alcoholic drink.  Mild withdrawal (to me) caused sweating, nausea, hand tremors, insomnia, diarrhea, inability to concentrate, high pulse and blood pressure.  My withdrawal would progress to body tremors, difficulty with balance, severe gastrointestinal upset, insomnia, auditory hallucinations and inability to concentrate.

Q:  What is an example of the disease's insanity?
A:  I would drink until my body began to reject the alcohol.  My body would "tell me" additional alcohol was physically dangerous and caused projective vomiting when I took a drink. It was insane that I continued to drink.

Q:  What did you look like to your loved ones, friends and family?
A:  My face was constantly red and puffy.  I sweat all the time, regardless of temperature.  My lips and skin were always dry and chapped due to continual dehydration.  My hair was often matted and tangled from lying in the bed.  My hair was also dull and brittle.  I did not care about my personal appearance and often too sick to tend to my own personal hygiene.

This blog post describes how my physical rock bottom looked.  Alcoholism does not stop with physical consequences and wreaks havoc on emotional and spiritual health, self worth and relations.  Unfortunately, there is are many different rock bottoms in addiction.  In sobriety, it is important to remember how my rock bottom looked and felt.  This blog will often visit my different rock bottoms.

Can you relate?

Hi, I am Jane and I am an alcoholic.  I state this fact about myself first, because the purpose of this blog is to share my story and hope with others.  If your addiction has lead you to seek insight, clarity or a small hint of hope...keep reading.  You may read this blog and experience relief knowing there are others who think, act and feel as you do.  This blog is for those who know the joyless life of addiction.

This blog will often share the details of my rock bottom and how it is now.  My rock bottom is ugly, but I feel it is important to share the depths of my alcoholism.  Hopefully, there will be pieces of my story others can relate to their own lives.  I hope this blog brings comfort by sharing the news.. there are those who know what it is like to live in addiction and recover.