An Open Letter to My Family

Dearest family,

I am writing this letter to let you know how beloved you are to me.  I am overwhelmed this Christmas with a deep love and peace towards my family.  Recently, I find myself tearing up with gratitude for each of you.  I am blessed beyond measure.

Singer-songwriter Sarah McLachlan recorded the song "Fallen".  The chorus is a good description of where I was 18 months ago:

 

Though I've tried,

 

 

I've fallen.

 

 

I have sunk so low,

 

 

I've messed up,

 

 

Better I should know.....

 

 

I can only imagine how difficult it was for my family during this time, especially since I had to do all the hard work myself.  I slipped into a place of not loving myself but my family loved me through it.

 

The band Aerosmith's song "Amazing" describes where I am today:

 

 

It's amazing

 

 

With a blink of an eye, you finally see the light.

 

 

It's amazing

 

 

When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright.

 

 

My program promises a new freedom and a new happiness if I stay spiritually fit each day.  Part of this new freedom and happiness is a deeper love and appreciation for my family.  Thank you for the support and love over the past few  years.

 

 

Love, Jennifer

 



The Tale of Two Shrubs

This weekend, my husband trimmed two large shrubs that grow on the side of our house.  I was his assistant and pulled cala lillies from around the shrubs.  Unfortunately, I did not expect to find the abandoned liquor bottles that were hidden in the plants.  During my active alcoholism, I considered myself a sneaky genius for hiding places. 

My husband made certain I saw (and counted) each container.  I knew it was important that I acknowledge the insanity of my active addiction.  The containers told the story of how my drinking progressed.

• Ten empty miniatures- I would often drink a miniature when I arrived home before I entered the house.
• Two empty liter vodka bottles- I would often hide a bottle outside and would sneak out for shots.
• Six empty wine bottles (small one serving) bottles- My attempt to transition from liquor to a "lesser evil" source of alcohol.
• Three wine coolers- Desperate attempt to suppress withdrawal symptoms and never successful.

It felt good to purge another forgotten hiding spot.  It feels good today to not need a genius hiding place.

Promises of Thanksgiving Past

     This Thanksgiving, I reflected on how differently my past Thanksgiving celebrations played out.  My past Thanksgivings were filled with empty promises and disappointed family members.  Unfortunately, I repeated unreliable and unpredictable behavior over several years. 

     When I actually made it to family gatherings, I was usually hung over or withdrawing from alcohol.  I was also anxious, restless and preoccupied with thoughts of my next drink (i.e. is there alcohol available and if not, when can I leave).  At times, I was actually sick with nausea, headache or one of many frequent physical complaints.  The food I promised to prepare and bring never materialized and I would arrive empty handed.  Finally, I hurt my family by not being "present" for fellowship. 

     There have been many holidays I never made it to the gathering.  I had to conjure up excuses for my absence because I was too sick or drunk to attend.  Looking back, my excuses were far-fetched and lame such as:

• "I have a severe rash and don't need to be near my aunt, cousin, pregnant sister... any convenient relative".
• "I have to work at the last minute".
• "I ran over a limb on my way and had to go home".
• "My tire is flat and unable to fix today due to holiday".
• "I'm sick and ran fever last night".

I did not wake up on Thanksgiving and say "I think I will hurt my loved ones today".  Unfortunately, I was unreliable, selfish, self absorbed and it did cause much pain.

     Thanksgiving this year brought a happiness and joy I can only find in sobriety.  I made a homemade dessert and arrived on time.  I was present in conversations and when I just needed to listen.  I belly laughed and enjoyed every bite of food.  It was wonderful to be truthful and dependable. 

    

But Am I Manipulative?

I had never considered myself a manipulative person.  In fact, I never recall being told I was manipulative by anyone in my close or outer circle.  Now, my sober self understands the harsh and brutal truth of my manipulative ways.  Just a simple look at my attempts to hide my alcohol use paints a very clear picture of my attempts to control situations and people.

The attentive hostess-
I was always a spot-on host for house guests and promptly offered to prepare or refill a refreshing alcoholic beverage.  As I prepared drinks, I would sneak a shot or two (or three).

The creative one-
How can you hide a bottle, carton or can?  Let me share a few my manipulative ways:

• In a rarely used cabinet or drawer
• In a pocket of a garment hanging in the closet
• Under mattress or bed
• Outside in shrubs
• In glove box, trunk or under seat of car
• In my bra (D cup here)
• In my pillow case
• And many others

The errand runner-
As my drinking progressed, I often needed an excuse to buy additional alcohol.  During the day, it was easy to explain to my spouse how I needed item from store.  At 1:00 am, I would suddenly develop a headache and we would mysteriously be out of all analgesics. 

The woe-is-me strategy-
I had a list of "reasons" that I would need an adult beverage.  I could be stressed out at work or revisit a past hurt, disappointment or failure.

Yes, I can be a very manipulative person.  Even though I am sober and no longer in pursuit of the perfect hiding spot, I work hard to curb my attempts to manipulate.  The good news.... I now have insight into my behavior and have the choice to grow my integrity.

How it Looks

Though I've tried, I've fallen

I have sunk so low

I messed up 

Better I should know...

- Fallen Lyrics, Sarah McLachlan

If I were reading a blog written by an alcoholic, I would probably be most interested in how rock bottom looked.  Of course, there are the stereotypical rock bottoms.... divorced, homeless, jailed, unemployed...that immediately come to mind.  In reality, everyone's rock bottom looks different and are dependent on what consequences have been experienced.  For me, it was the point that I was no longer a functioning member of society.  I was absent in my own life and unavailable to those who needed and loved me most.

I will now describe the insanity of my addiction at the time I entered detox.  I am going to follow a Q&A format to keep on track.  Keep in mind, this is just the tip of a very deep iceberg.

Q:  How often did you drink each day?
A:  At the time I entered detox, I would experience significant withdrawal 
symptoms within hours of my last drink.  Therefore, I drank every morning, day and night.

Q:  What did you drink?
A:  My preference was straight vodka.  However, I would drink any alcoholic beverage.  At my bottom, I was "going easy" by drinking only wine.  "Going easy" for an alcoholic in only a myth and the amount of wine a drank within a 24 hour period is insane.

Q:  How did you hide your alcohol?
A:  At first, I hid bottles in my car, between mattresses, drawers, closets...basically anywhere.  As my disease progressed, I didn't attempt to hide my alcohol.  Empty wines boxes were visible on, in, under and beside my bed. The empty containers caused constant shame, but I just didn't care.

Q:  What happened when you did not drink?
A:  I would start withdrawing within 2 hours of  my last alcoholic drink.  Mild withdrawal (to me) caused sweating, nausea, hand tremors, insomnia, diarrhea, inability to concentrate, high pulse and blood pressure.  My withdrawal would progress to body tremors, difficulty with balance, severe gastrointestinal upset, insomnia, auditory hallucinations and inability to concentrate.

Q:  What is an example of the disease's insanity?
A:  I would drink until my body began to reject the alcohol.  My body would "tell me" additional alcohol was physically dangerous and caused projective vomiting when I took a drink. It was insane that I continued to drink.

Q:  What did you look like to your loved ones, friends and family?
A:  My face was constantly red and puffy.  I sweat all the time, regardless of temperature.  My lips and skin were always dry and chapped due to continual dehydration.  My hair was often matted and tangled from lying in the bed.  My hair was also dull and brittle.  I did not care about my personal appearance and often too sick to tend to my own personal hygiene.

This blog post describes how my physical rock bottom looked.  Alcoholism does not stop with physical consequences and wreaks havoc on emotional and spiritual health, self worth and relations.  Unfortunately, there is are many different rock bottoms in addiction.  In sobriety, it is important to remember how my rock bottom looked and felt.  This blog will often visit my different rock bottoms.

Can you relate?

Hi, I am Jane and I am an alcoholic.  I state this fact about myself first, because the purpose of this blog is to share my story and hope with others.  If your addiction has lead you to seek insight, clarity or a small hint of hope...keep reading.  You may read this blog and experience relief knowing there are others who think, act and feel as you do.  This blog is for those who know the joyless life of addiction.

This blog will often share the details of my rock bottom and how it is now.  My rock bottom is ugly, but I feel it is important to share the depths of my alcoholism.  Hopefully, there will be pieces of my story others can relate to their own lives.  I hope this blog brings comfort by sharing the news.. there are those who know what it is like to live in addiction and recover.