History of Phone Avoidance

In my active alcoholism, I feared the phone.  Why?  Several reasons actually, but primary is simple avoidance.  I avoided debt collectors, family, friends, business calls... basic avoided the "real world" altogether.  I would often wake around 3am, take a shot of vodka and think "I am alright, I still have 5 hours before "the real world" starts.  Another reason... shame and guilt.  I did not want to face the shame I carried for drinking and letting my family down.

Saturday, I left my phone outside overnight.  Sunday morning I found my phone and miraculously... it worked.  I had multiple messages from my mother, sister and father.  I imagine the unanswered phone took them back to the alcoholic tornado of past.  Today, I give them the right to be worried, concerned and gratefully answer questions to relieve their fears.  They deserve this from me.

How do you respond when others jump to conclusions due to past alcoholic/addict behavior?

I am the Someone Worse

This morning, I went to my favorite Saturday morning AA meeting.  I love this meeting because a group of men from a local half-way house attend and it reminds me what it was like in early recovery.  I stop every Saturday morning and buy donuts for this meeting, with the favorite donuts crème or fruit filled and maple bacon.

I remember at my first AA meetings, I would listen to people stories and think "there has to be someone here that is sicker than I am".  I am sure I was pretty judgmental and would lie very convincingly to myself about being "not so sick".

I am 21 months sober and have many friends in recovery, attended many AA meetings and now have a clear understanding that I am that someone worse. I drank an insane amount of liquor (mostly vodka) and my goal was to remain numb to any emotion 24/7.   I drove my car into the same ditch two nights in a row and same wrecker pulled my car out both nights.  My thinking told me I was worthless, in a hole I could never pull out of and a failure at life.

This is why I continue to go to meetings.  I have a responsibility to show others that there is a way out- no matter how far down the scale they have gone.  What do I get in return?  A reminder that I am always just one drink away from being that someone worse.

Happy Weekend!

One Alcoholic's Issue with the Rick and Bubba Morning Show

There are readers living outside of the widely popular Rick and Bubba syndicated broadcast area, therefore, I will give you a very short introduction.  The Rick and Bubba show features Rick Burgess and Bill "Bubba" Bussey and is a conservative talk show.  The show is often comedic with recurring themes and characters.  One syndicated station, K105 describes the show as "a blend of humor, politics, religion, entertainment and current events"  I will also add that both Rick and Bubba have overcome many of life's challenges and it is a blessing to listen to  how they walked with faith through difficult times.

There are moments that I enjoy listening to the show.  However, there are times when these two radio personalities are like 100 nails running down a chalkboard with massive speakers.  In recovery for my alcoholism, the show's source of irritation has become much clearer.  At some point in their lives, someone helped turn on a "spiritual" light for them; a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves.  I know Rick has often talked about his parents faith and their influence on his spiritual life. 

Alcoholics and addicts suffer from a spiritual malady.  I lacked a spiritual connection to a higher power.  I lived my life playing the part of my own higher power and as a result, I experienced fear, low self-esteem, selfishness, shame, isolation, self-loathing and feelings of hopelessness.  I had never been shown how to turn my spiritual light on or most likely, I refused to let go of being my own higher power. Rick and Bubba's blend of religion and entertainment does not speak to the alcoholic/addict that is struggling for spiritual growth.  I don't think Rick and Bubba can relate to an individual that has no sense of something greater than themselves.  It is my perception that Rick and Bubba sit in a position of religious judgment.

Here is a very abbreviated story of my spirituality.  I can imagine Rick and Bubba reading my story and pointing out all the religious gaps and missteps.   But, this is a common journey of individuals suffering from spiritual maladies.

Growing up, my parents divorced and we sporadically attended church.  The church we attended was outside of my school district and I was frequently teased.  As an adult, I joined the Methodist church and became active in the church community.  Unfortunately, I frequently felt I did not belong and "just did not get it" like other church-goers.  Over the years, I experienced loss, trauma and all that life brings.  Alcohol became my higher power and I fell into a dark pit.  I hit my rock bottom and entered a detox program.  I was so lost- all I knew to do is make it through the next 5 minutes.   The strict schedule of detox and rehab became my higher power.  Eventually, I admitted that I, within myself, could not pull me out of active alcoholism.  With guidance from my rehab counselors, I began to meditate and converse with this power greater than myself.  I stripped away all religious biases and sought a direct 1:1 relationship.  I had to make a conscious effort every day to build a connection. Twenty-months later, I do consider God to be my higher power, but this evolved over time.  I acknowledge that spiritual light will be turned on for someone else, and their higher power may be different than my own.

Rick and Bubba would respond to this post by saying "There is only one higher power.... and that is God".  I look at it differently and believe there are those so broken and lost that the first step is simply recognizing a power outside of themselves is needed for recovery.   My Rick and Bubba frustration is due to their inability to meet the spiritually ill at where they are and acknowledge the imperfection of spiritual progress.  My daily sobriety is dependent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.  I am also responsible for meeting the alcoholic/addict where they are and share my experience of hope to help turn the light on.

One last side note.... I do have a feeling the Real Greg Burgess could easily connect with someone suffering from a spiritual malady.

What is your spiritual experience?

Remembering My Days as a Fuzzy Barbie Doll

Lately, I have been thinking about the days I spent as a fuzzy Barbie doll.  I wish this translated to the time my figure was svelte, my clothes stylish and my hair a teased  blonde perfection...... but it doesn't.  The term "fuzzy Barbie doll" is what the patients in treatment called alcoholics being detoxed with phenobarbital.  In the facility I was treated, phenobarbital was used during the first week to prevent seizures during withdrawal.  Unfortunately, the side effects included sedation and hypnosis- leading to fuzzy thinking and slowed responses.


Patients were required to participate in lecture and group therapy while taking and weaning off of phenobarbital.  I am ashamed to say.... this could be entertaining.  A fuzzy Barbie doll would slowly fall asleep, jerk awake and answered questions incoherently at times.  However, there was a healthy appreciation for the high risk and complications of seizures during alcohol withdrawal.


I admit there are times I wish I was back on the regimen of phenobarbital.  It is in moments when old ways of thinking creep back in and I want some form of escape from life.  When this "want" appears, I acknowledge the feeling and then remember what lead up to becoming a fuzzy Barbie doll.  It is definitely better living in the moment!

Crossing all Cultures

This evening, I discovered Those Who Know has an audience from Thailand, Czechia, Colombia, South Korea, the Netherlands and Russia.  I have never travelled to these countries, but appreciate the different lived experiences of the readers of this blog.

One narrative all addicts share is the experience of suffering.  My alcoholism caused me to suffer spiritually, emotionally and physically.  What is your experience with suffering related to this disease?  Some reading this blog my be loved ones and friends of an addict.  How have you suffered?

I am a Registered Nurse and an Alcoholic

My sobriety date is May 10, 2016.  I can say with all honesty- I have not had a drop of alcohol since this date.  However, I will always consider myself an alcoholic.  I know if I have one drink, my disease will take over and I will take more.

So, how is the public protected as I practice as a nurse during this early recovery period?  I am under a monitoring contract through my state's board of nursing.  I actually self- reported that I was seeking treatment and applied to the board's alternative to discipline program.  Because I qualified for the alternative to discipline program, I do not have disciplinary action against my nursing license.  However, I do have to meet specific guidelines (for a period of 5 years).  Including:

• Completed a comprehensive evaluation and the recommendations for rehabilitation.
• Attend weekly aftercare program (approximately 1 hour weekly)
• Attend a minimum of (3) support meetings- must be based on 12 Step recovery (i.e. AA, NA, CA ect)
• Limit hours working as RN to 84 in a 2 week period
• Individual counseling
• Random drug testing including daily check-in
• Submission of verification of all prescriptions to the board
• Quarterly reports from employer, counselor and continuing care facilitator
• Monthly self report
• Practice stipulations

Is it worth it?  Absolutely!  The requirements above are simply what I need to do to stay sober.  Is it overwhelming at times?  Sure, but my chances of long-term sobriety are greatly enhanced through the program.

But... I Want it NOW!

I haven't posted a new entry in a while.  See, I became frustrated because I did not see any evidence my blog was being read.  I was easily steered off my goal of sharing something that gave another person strength and hope.  It was so easy to quit and start looking for the next "project" that would bring me instant gratification.  Somewhere, filed deep in my mind, is the knowledge that addiction is about instant gratification.  For me, I wanted to drink enough to immediately forget and avoid responsibilities in life.

I continually learn in recovery and this time... I am learning another lesson in delayed gratification.  I am going to take a deep breath and wait for the good things to unfold.

What gifts have you received from delayed gratification?