This Thanksgiving, I reflected on how differently my past Thanksgiving celebrations played out. My past Thanksgivings were filled with empty promises and disappointed family members. Unfortunately, I repeated unreliable and unpredictable behavior over several years.
When I actually made it to family gatherings, I was usually hung over or withdrawing from alcohol. I was also anxious, restless and preoccupied with thoughts of my next drink (i.e. is there alcohol available and if not, when can I leave). At times, I was actually sick with nausea, headache or one of many frequent physical complaints. The food I promised to prepare and bring never materialized and I would arrive empty handed. Finally, I hurt my family by not being "present" for fellowship.
There have been many holidays I never made it to the gathering. I had to conjure up excuses for my absence because I was too sick or drunk to attend. Looking back, my excuses were far-fetched and lame such as:
- "I have a severe rash and don't need to be near my aunt, cousin, pregnant sister... any convenient relative".
- "I have to work at the last minute".
- "I ran over a limb on my way and had to go home".
- "My tire is flat and unable to fix today due to holiday".
- "I'm sick and ran fever last night".
I did not wake up on Thanksgiving and say "I think I will hurt my loved ones today". Unfortunately, I was unreliable, selfish, self absorbed and it did cause much pain.
Thanksgiving this year brought a happiness and joy I can only find in sobriety. I made a homemade dessert and arrived on time. I was present in conversations and when I just needed to listen. I belly laughed and enjoyed every bite of food. It was wonderful to be truthful and dependable.
I had never considered myself a manipulative person. In fact, I never recall being told I was manipulative by anyone in my close or outer circle. Now, my sober self understands the harsh and brutal truth of my manipulative ways. Just a simple look at my attempts to hide my alcohol use paints a very clear picture of my attempts to control situations and people.
The attentive hostess-
I was always a spot-on host for house guests and promptly offered to prepare or refill a refreshing alcoholic beverage. As I prepared drinks, I would sneak a shot or two (or three).
The creative one-
How can you hide a bottle, carton or can? Let me share a few my manipulative ways:
- In a rarely used cabinet or drawer
- In a pocket of a garment hanging in the closet
- Under mattress or bed
- Outside in shrubs
- In glove box, trunk or under seat of car
- In my bra (D cup here)
- In my pillow case
- And many others
The errand runner-
As my drinking progressed, I often needed an excuse to buy additional alcohol. During the day, it was easy to explain to my spouse how I needed item from store. At 1:00 am, I would suddenly develop a headache and we would mysteriously be out of all analgesics.
The woe-is-me strategy-
I had a list of "reasons" that I would need an adult beverage. I could be stressed out at work or revisit a past hurt, disappointment or failure.
Yes, I can be a very manipulative person. Even though I am sober and no longer in pursuit of the perfect hiding spot, I work hard to curb my attempts to manipulate. The good news.... I now have insight into my behavior and have the choice to grow my integrity.
